Saturday, August 27, 2011

Equal Protection

I heard (actually invented) a rumor that Mitt Romney is developing a new strategy to revitalize his presidential campaign. I have also invented this interview with the candidate wherein I find out more about it.

I caught Governor Romney coming out of a meeting with his legal team where they are working on their great new idea. "Are you worried about the upstart candidacy by the leader of the Republic of Texas, Rick Perry?" I wanted to know. "He seems to have overtaken you in the latest polls."

Mitt replied: "Of course not. It's only natural for the media, and the public, to become fixated on the latest flash in the pan. We understand how they might be a little tired of talking about me. After all, I've been around for awhile, and I realize I am somewhat boring. But we are working on something right now that we think has the potential of being a major game changer."

"So what's your plan, then?" I wondered.

"We are very excited about this new idea," Romney told me. "It is an outgrowth of our espousal of the important principle that "corporations are people, my friend." What we are planning is a campaign to spread awareness that corporations have been treated as second class citizens in this country for too long. We are demanding full rights under the Fourteenth Amendment for corporations. We view this struggle as the most important civil rights issue of our time, and frankly, we're rather surprised that not too many people, other than a few justices on the Supreme Court, have taken up this cause."

"Wow. that is a bold concept," I responded. "But how is that going to help your presidential campaign? I have a feeling that most of the people sympathetic to the view that corporations are people are probably already planning to vote Republican, and an awful lot of other people are pretty hostile to the whole idea."

Romney smiled. "I haven't told you about the most important part of this new strategy. We are going to start registering corporations to vote! We'll be sending teams to every board of directors in America to start the process of filing papers for every corporation we can find to register as a voter. After all, if corporations are people, and are therefore entitled to equal protection of the law, they cannot be denied the most fundamental right of citizenship, can they?"

"Hold on a second there, Mitt. Do you think any state election officials are going to let you get away with that?"

Romney pointed to his legal team. "That's where these guys come in. We'll get a test case soon enough, and we'll take it right up to the Supreme Court as expeditiously as possible. We think we will get a fair hearing there, and there is a good chance our position will be upheld. Needless to say, if we can establish equal rights for corporations, that is going to boost the chances for my candidacy quite a bit."

"Well, how is this going to work as a practical matter? Won't people just start forming millions of new corporations so they can get as many votes as they can buy?"

Mitt smiled again. "I'm tempted to ask, what's wrong with that idea? How bad would it be if people with the means to form extra corporations got some extra votes? But that won't happen for awhile anyway. See, we think the same rules for voting should apply to corporate people as to human people. We're not demanding any special privileges. That means that a corporation would have to be in existence for at least 18 years in order to have the right to vote, just like a human person. So there won't be any rush to form new corporations, or at least that won't influence any elections for quite a while. But there are plenty of existing corporations whose rights have been denied for far too long. We think we can get them all enfranchised before the 2012 election, and then we'll start to see some fairness in this country!"

"Good luck to you, Governor Romney. I have to applaud you for your creativity."

(Photo from Seany D)


  1. Like I say to my uber liberal friend in Oakland and my bro in Ornage county (both also happen to be an attorney), thank you for your view of things so few people in America ever even consider!

  2. We attorneys get paid to think of all the angles.