Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Debt Limit Negotiation Update

Just leaked! A partial transcript of today's session in the ongoing budget negotiations between Republican Congressional leaders and the President and Treasury Secretary at the White House:

Obama: I still don't get how you guys are suddenly all concerned about the debt, after all of you voted to double the national debt during the Bush administration.

Boehner: Well for one thing, back then we didn't have these damn Tea Party people breathing down our necks. Those folks are crazy!

Obama: I sympathize. But what do you want us to do? You don't have a plan to balance the budget this year. That means you either have to raise the debt limit or you have to raise taxes.

Boehner: What we want, Mr. President, is for you to propose a solution, so we can attack you for it. It's not fair that people expect us to solve all their problems just because Republicans have taken over the House of Representatives. It makes me want to cry.

Obama: The White House had to come up with all the solutions for my first two years in office, and all I got was criticism from all sides. Now it's time for you to step up to the plate.  Representative Cantor, would you mind taking your fingers out of your ears while I'm talking?

Cantor: Sorry sir, it's just an involuntary reaction I have whenever somebody says the "T" word.

Obama: I'll try not to talk about taxes then. But that means we have to talk about your insane Medicare plan. You can't be serious about it. It's going to cost you the 2012 election.

Ryan: We don't mind talking about Medicare. I just wish you'd stop calling my plan to replace Medicare with vouchers a voucher program. It hurts my feelings.

Obama: All right, Paul, what would you like us to call it?

Ryan: How about calling it Medicare Lite?  I think people would like the sound of that.

Obama: We'll take that idea under advisement.

Boehner: Mr. President, we have here a list of 150 economists who think we should require massive cuts in federal spending. How about that?

Obama: That's nice John. I have here a poll showing that if you actually implemented all of those cuts, the Republicans would lose about 150 seats in the House next year.

Boehner: We know this stuff isn't popular. That's why we want to force a bunch of Democrats to vote for cutting popular programs so we don't get the blame next year.

Obama: You think we're stupid enough to fall for that?

Boehner: You might have no choice. I have a lot of members who just might be crazy enough to cause the United States to default on its debts to prove a point.

Geithner: We'll stop sending Social Security checks to your constituents in Ohio before we allow that to happen.

Boehner: Thank you for the meeting, Mr. President. We have to go outside and call a press conference now so we can complain about you.

Obama: Just don't walk on the grass on the White House lawn on your way there.