interviewer that Barack Obama may have a "Kenyan, anti-colonial" world view. I needed some clarification so in my mind I called Newt to ask him about his own world view.
"Hey Newtie," I said, "what did you mean by that exactly?"
"I'm glad you asked," responded Newt. "The liberal media is already all over me for using racist code words, but of course I meant nothing of the kind. I mean there is no dispute that Obama's father was Kenyan. So Obama is half-Kenyan, right? There is no controversy about that. I didn't say he was actually born in Kenya, though who knows, right? He just has Kenyan ancestry."
"OK," I responded, "but what exactly do you mean by saying he has a "Kenyan, anti-colonial" world view?"
Gingrich explained, "Being a student of history, as I am, I'm sure you're familiar with the Mau Mau rebellion and the whole tawdry history of the Kenyan fight against the noble British empire. I think that President Obama shows definite signs of sympathizing with the rebels against the mother country."
"What's wrong with that? Even the British don't try to defend their system of colonial rule in Kenya any more. They ran the country like a prison camp. And now of course the British fully support Kenyan independence. And hasn't international politics been all about national self-determination and the dismantling of colonial empires at least since World War II?"
"There's the problem," Newt told me. "That's exactly what's wrong with the world today. We've dismantled a perfectly good world order that served us well for centuries and put in its place the chaos of many individual nations each seeking their own destiny. And now we have an American president who actually represents and seems to celebrate the achievements of all these nations who foolishly shook off the benevolent operations of the British empire."
"What are you advocating, Newt? Do you want to put the empire back together again?"
"I'm not afraid to say it," Newt boldly replied. "It's time to re-think a lot of harmful notions about personal freedom and religious tolerance and democracy that have taken hold over the solid conservative principles that used to guide us. We had a Christian nation. We respected traditional values. We had servants who knew their place."
"Newt, you know we never had a Christian nation. Religious tolerance was written into our Constitution. And be careful when you talk about servants knowing their place. Aren't you supporting our shameful history of slavery and discrimination?"
"Some of those trouble-makers who wrote the Constitution did have some dangerous ideas about religious tolerance, didn't they? What we really need to do is return to the pre-Constitutional original intent about this country. America should lead the way back to the re-colonization of the world."
"Hold on a minute there Newt," I responded. "You're starting to sound like some kind of loyalist to the British Crown. Don't you even support the American revolution?"
"Isn't it obvious to you by now," Gingrich asked me, "what a mistake that was? Look where the revolution has led us. We had a perfect plantation economy in colonial times, but it was doomed once we broke away from the mother country. And now we're supposed to be ruled by our former slaves? The world has turned upside down! We need to get the old empire back in business, and restore the monarchy's rule over America. Long live the Queen!"
"I'm not so sure that George Washington would approve of what you are saying, Newt."
"That traitor! That rabble-rouser! That revolutionary! That anti-colonialist!"
I hung up while he was still ranting.